She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
