somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
