i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize