I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
