I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
