Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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