i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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