I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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