I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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