i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
