guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
