Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
