okay pat passed out under dana's car
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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