The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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