I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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