then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
