Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
