I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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