my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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