How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
