I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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