Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
