dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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