how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
