you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
