I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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