Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
