I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
