This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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