the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
