I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
