The maid of honor just puked.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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