Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
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