Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
