I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
