fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
