I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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