My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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