9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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