I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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