where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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