The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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