I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
