I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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