sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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