We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
