Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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