alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
