i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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