I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
