I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
