see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
