she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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