I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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