I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
