i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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