i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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