Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
