Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
