He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm just crazy horny about you
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
