Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
