some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
