new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
