i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize