I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
