Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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