I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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