How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
